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i was never your girlfriendi've been drinking and
taking pills and smoking again
in an attempt to drown you
out of my body in smoke or
alcohol or poisons, hoping you
are a hazy exhale or the
bile i throw up at night.
but you are always there in
the morning when i wake, as
the first thought in my mind
and the tears in my eyes
and the constant headache.
if words meant anything to monstersi fell in love once and
it ended almost as soon
as it began. the relationship
broke when someone new
paid you any attention.
my feelings dragged on for years i spent
years crying in bed crying love
me, love me, love me but my love
remained unrequited. we fought
we fucked i promised i'd never leave
you promised you'd never leave
but you left and death
has long since touched me deep
inside. it has replaced the blood
in my veins with despair and the air in my lungs
i breathe seconds, months
years of regret, until i can't
exhale at night without choking.
the bright days are done
and i am for the dark
to suffer alone, with blackness in my heart
the way you left
me, the way you wanted me
forever lost, eternally tormented
poetic math.i like to (4x²y + 3x) + (-3x²y + 2x)
put some things where they 4x² + 3x + (-3x²y) + 2x
don't belong. x²y + 5x
and i like (3x³ - 9x²) + (-4x³ + 3x²)
the way your hair shines x³ - 6x²
all the time.
i want to trace
addict.this is silly.
i am trying to inject
my feelings into you
and it's more like
"just take it."
but you do not want to.
you do not want this
poison in your veins.
you learned how to
just say no.
just say no to love.
i am the addict
in this brutal scenario-
i got loveholics anonymous meetings
every thursday at eight.
"you better leave
with your heart in your chest
not on your sleeve."
but i never do.
i got syringes in the car
and my stupid fucking
with spongebob and clouds-
ready to overdose on love.
i wanna put your
blood in my veins for
just one night-
just one night and i
won't be lonely.
i want your blood
to be my blood so
once i could say
you were mine.
i like real drugs better
than love because
i can say you were mine,
but you would never
admit you were mine
and an unrequited high
keeps me just as broken.
I Was WrongYou are not a moon
or a brightly shining star
bringing beauty and fulfillment
to those who know you.
You are a sun,
bringing happiness to some
when you are there, anyway,
and sadness when you are gone.
But most importantly,
you are burning.
You are burning from the inside out.
And you're killing me with your radiance
and brilliant deception.
From the inside
And I think, one day,
you will burn me alive
just because you can.
But I still love you
when you're there, anyway,
and miss you
when you're gone.
You are my WonderlandHave you ever loved someone that you
should not love? Someone close to you,
who knows all of your secrets, and truths,
and lies. Someone who understands you in
anything, because you've spent thousands
of years together, lost in different eras,
because some part of you just knows
you belong. Except you are convinced
that you are two halves of a whole,
and she is convinced that she is for him
and him alone.
And it's unnerving.
And it's depressing.
And then she looks up at you with those
darling green eyes and you are so lost
for words, the only thing you can do is
swallow your tongue. And then you wish
she would pass that cigarette to you, so
you can taste her nicotine lips, and sit
on a mushroom that makes you shrink and
shrink and shrink and shrink and shrink.
Because she is your Alice;
she is your Wonderland story, and you
want to lay with her in daisies and play
with the stars. But that is only a dream
you have, because you share your
secrets but you don't share feelings,
and you nev
Oh, PillsThings don't always go the way you planned,
so relationships break and things get lost and
then you lose yourself, or whoever you thought
you were, or whoever you could have been.
So you take one pill to make your mood lighter,
and one pill to make the pain stop, and one pill
to make things hazy, and you take one pill for
your friends who died, and one for those dreams
you had, and one for those times your father
touched you in places he shouldn't have, and
you take one for those nights he came home
drunk, and used you as a punching bag, and
you take one pill for when your mom left, and
one for when you couldn't stop crying, and
you take one for when your best friend called
you ugly, and one for when people threw things
at you, and you laugh, and you cry, and then
you take one pill to make your thoughts stop,
and then you're gone,
then you're gone,
then you're gone.
Fly HighSometimes I wonder if
these pills are enough
to keep me here; keep
me safe and grounded.
I worry about the milligram
increase every few months.
"Fifty isn't doing it" they say
"A hundred isn't cutting it."
And when I return they
explain that I'm not
getting any better, that
this fucking depression
is just who I am.
So I go home and
let razors kiss these
sullen wrists, and
let more pills grace
these worn lips.
That's only a dream
I have though, and
when I explain it to
my psychiatrist, she
hands me another
prescription and says
Only now I think I know
exactly what she means.
ViolinI remember the day
you told me violins
were strung with cat gut
and that is why
you hated music
(who says that to a child?)
I followed you
all that summer.
I watched you
grow away from mother -
your whiskey held better conversations
and all she did was cry.
We'd sit cross-legged on the porch
and count the horseflies
settling on our lunch.
You would drown tadpoles
in a bucket
surprised they could not swim
and I would dream
of cherry popsicles.
And when night would gather
on the sidewalk
I'd hold my breath
until a star appeared.
Don't bother making wishes
you'd tell me -
stars are dead weight in heaven
and God has cloth ears.
My School Says I'm Worthless (sort of a rant)I'm a criminal because my values aren't their values
And I'm scum to say the least
Because I'm not on their list
Ones who have their lives set out
And drink from molten glory raining down from
School top balconies...
And I have myself left to blame for all the non-attempts
And truancies; the bleak distractions
That help me escape the inviolable test-score stares
Of disapproval that I attract from their
And they're forced to ask me 'Why?
Why are you still here?'
And I can barely say
That I'm afraid to leave.
That I know that no-one knows
Or what they want to be
But unlike those
I gave up
A while ago
And they can't tell me to my face that I'm a failure so they heavily imply
That my lacking presence
And even less impressive
Tendency for slacking off is evidence
That I am stupid and a fool and nothing more than such a waste of resources
And it's a disappointment
That I don't hold their ideals
VesselYour heart is a compass.
Broken, perhaps, but I know
It’s always searching for the North Star.
Which way will your beard point tonight?
DanielYou are vertebrae
reinforced with titanium
that does not make you the lesser -
You’ve got the weight of the world
on one shoulder
sometimes you trip because of it -
you’re still walking
and if things fused wrong
post or anterior
and if things fused out in the interior
your circuits live on
and if your thoughts get circular
or so do your moods
and your mind blanks and you forget -
you’re nervous but strong -
then I’ll remind you.
Because you give me
the backbone required
you’re my Atlas, so I lift my head,
you’re my axis, so I can face the future
because you are vertebrae
reinforced with titanium.
You’re my inner strength.
FallingFailure after failure
A life not worth living
Lost in my misery
Long gone are the good moments
I keep falling
Nothing can save me now
Gone my hopes are
Because He'sHe’s listening
Millions of them.
A flash of red
And a navy hat
No warning – now motionless
With skin turned to shadows.
silently leavinglook: snakes are not for cuddling.
pathological liars don't warm the nights.
it's ridiculous to think that you can be
a comfort food when all you are is poison.
a thriving hypocrite amongst flowers
never did the bed any goddamn good.
you can't be pretty pastels in a painting.
your flesh is decrepit, undulating with disease.
creepy-crawlies coming off of you in waves.
you are decomposing.
a stench so foul my eyes welt with tears.
your beauty has passed. i hope you understand.
i try to love you, but i just can't.
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